To The Floor

Okay, I decided to have a sort of forum thing going on here every 3 months or so, and this would run for a week (phew saves having to think of what to put up every 2-3 days). The interesting thing about this forum is everyone has a say and that's what makes the post. I was talking to my friend about relationships and we were going on about "types" i.e. is he or she your type? And we started talkin about married life.

So, I bring the first topic to the floor, what can you not take from your partner in a relationship? What is clearly "taking the piss" or "below the belt"? Is it stealing? cheating? Alcohol? Not going to church? etc.

And for comments, rather than having them in the comments section only, I can also update them in this post. So, until next Friday guys....please yarn_vocab up! And for the sake of using your fav word Onada, so that I can finally add it to my vocab list, this is gonna be BONZ_vocab! lol have your say........

Things we cannot take/handle from the other person in a relationship:

Olowo says:

Dishonesty, I can take a lot of things but dishonesty is a big no-no. If you can't come to me with the truth then what's the point of us being in a relationship?

Biodun says:

Having a relationship with God is a biggie for me, if he cant find time for God who is the ONLY one that can truly mold him n prevent him from lying, cheating, blah blah, then its a wrap!

Laspapi says:

Hello Mona. I think for nearly all males, it has to be cheating.I read of a psychology test once- If you ask what a female prefers- her man to "sleep" with someone else or to fall in love with another woman, she'd take the "sleeping".If you ask a man, he says, "let her fall in love with another", just don't touch the man.I can't explain why this is so but I think its largely to do with our physiology.

ps. Nice blog you have here.

Mona says:

I have to say I agree with some of your comments, while some, it obviously depends on the person and their priorities i.e. what they can or cannot take. Those psychology/physiology results are quite interesting but I can see the point. For men it's more of the ego (am I right?) while for women it's more about the heart. Please keep the comments coming in and you are free to debate or reply comments too. Thanks

Don Chi says:

I will say that it all boils down to the individuals involved because anything I might say will be my opinion, and would be irrelevant, unless of course there's some lady reading this that wants to date me. You draw your own boundaries and know what you can and cannot tolerate. If I must attempt to give some sort of response, then I will say it all boils down to the "fool" factor in the relationship. By, the Fool Factor, what I mean is, how foolish you are willing to be on behalf of your partner. You know how everyone else can see what's wrong with your relationship but you can't? That's the fool factor. everyone thinks you are a fool for being in it but you say they are wrong. At the same time, you see something wrong with your friend's relationship but he/she may not agree. Therefore, at some point, we all play the fool for somebody and do things no one else can pretend to understand. So I guess I'm saying that where the line is drawn in relationships really depends on the fool factor involved.

Mona says:

That's a real valid point Chichi...."the fool factor". So what is your "fool factor"? What are your own boundaries and what is crossing your boundary? Holler!

Olawunmi says:

I won't tolerate lies or any other form of dishonesty, because i'm not equipped to deal with deceit. i'd rather not go through life wondaering which of your stories is a lie, annd i would because once you catch someone out, then trusting them becomes hard. and what is a relationship without trust?

Hammed Delot says:

The look in your partners eyes when they recon they can do better. Hurtful and ultimately damning.

Don Chi says:

Best point I've seen in this blog. Who the blog do they think they are? Dead that relationship right there!

Liquidlifehacker says:

I agree with Biodun's comment. It would definately be that the person would have to believe in God. I could never get serious with an athiest because IMHO, they are not walking in truth. If one is not God fearing then they wouldn't be marriage material either. Marriage to me is a union between two people and God. For those worrying about cheating and such, remember if you add God into your union then God will bless it and if or when a temptation of cheating were to come...the person would be accountable to God even over you. Without God, they would only be accountable to you and with our human nature, unfortunately many fall weak to this because they figure they might never get caught.So definately 'Believing in God' is a must for me when it comes to mates or dates!

Bijouxoxo says:

If he doesn't have a relationship with God, that marks the end of the relationship. I'm not talking about Sunday-Sunday church attendance. How in heavens name, can i submit to a man, who's not under submission to Christ? The fear of God would prevent him from doing things he would normally do.He has to be CLEAN. I'm not saying to be a neat freak, but simple cleanliness, lift the toliet seat before u pee, and if u sprinkle, wipe it, clean the surroundings after u shave, wipe the soap off the shower curtain after taking ur bath etc. Trust me, i'll be snooping around his apartment to see how clean he is as a bachelor. I just don't buy that crap of boys being naturally untidy.

Diamond Hawk says:

Like Olowo said...dishonesty...that has been the primary reason for most of my break-ups. I CANNOT STAND LIARS. I dont want to have to question everything you tell me...what's worse is lying about things that dont make sense...mundane things. A relationship is built on trust. if you cant trust, how can you love and if i cant love you...then it's GOODBYE ...oh...w/bijou...i concur about the relationship w/God...hmmm...maybe that should be the one thing right...because if your relationship w/God is on point, then everything else falls into place.

Ayoke says:

Believing in God is a sine qua non for me, so I won't even over-emphasise that point. I believe that such grounding is a pedestal upon which we would be able to at least deal with other issues.That said, I cannot stand a man who does not respect women. Note I wrote "women" and not just "me". I believe that his respect for women should transcend me. It is unfortunate that many of our cultures inadvertently encourage men to denigrate women and the men end up growing up to be outrightly disrespectful to women. I have a colleague like that. He never has anything good to say about women. If a woman is rising in her career, he snidely remarks that she must be sleeping with someone at the top. When we travel, he maintains that air hostesses are sluts. I often wonder how his wife copes with him. Such a man does not deserve the companionship of a woman.

Mona says:

It's true that believing in God shouldn't even be an issue for me because if there isn't God, that relationship shouldn't even hold. You know I had been waiting for someone to bring up respect. I think respect is paramount for me, disrespecting your partner is one thing, some may be able to accommodate that. Especially when you respect someone, you shouldn't need to take disrespect from that person is my belief. Disrespecting your partner in public is even worse and that is the icing on the cake. And as you've said Ayoke my partner's respect for women should transcend me.

Kunle says:

I so agree with Biodun. A guy's relationship with God is more important to me than anything else, it helps to know he believes in something more superior than himself.Respect - At the end of the day I dont expect him to be 100% honest/faithful to me but it helps if he has great respect for me in order to prevent/minimise/eliminate the 'fool factor' (I think).So what wont I take from a guy - his attitude towards God or praying together, etc and his lack of respect for me i.e making me look foolish almost everytime.

Bhookey says:

He has to respect me o cause once he respects u every other thing falls into place.If he respects you, he will find it hard to lie to u , abi am i yannin balls?

Liquidlifehacker says:

Yeah Mona...I think a good test of that is how HE treats and interacts with his mother. I know when I see a guy be disrespectful to his mother it is a big red flag. Don't get me wrong, I know some women can be difficult and I take all that into consideration, but I really do emphasis on watching how a guy loves and respects his mom!

Mona says:

Hi Liquidlifehacker yea I feel you on how he gets on with his mom bla bla but it is a bit more than that...how about one that is so spoilt by his mum? She is the only one he really adores and as a result he only listens to her, infact, he is her robot ping-ponging him here and there....she may not necessarily be the best mum and her decisions may not always be right, so as much as he adores and respects her (cos she's instilled that in him), she may be telling him "yes make sure you never let your girlfriend speak up at you when you are telling her to do something". How about that? This is just an abstract view of what you've just said though.

Belle says:

There are several things I can't deal with in a relationship:Not believing in God, Dishonesty (of any sort), not showing me you know my value, not being motivated/ambitious, not being supportive. The list goes on. I try not to be these things too, which is why i tend to be hard on myself.

Adenix says:

A lot of the things mentioned above are important for me too - honesty, God, respect etc. I also like a man who is able to express himself. I guess that comes down to communication. A lot of relationships crumble because there is no communication and people can't understand each other. I'm not some kind of seer, I'm not trying to read the guy's mind and second guess him and play all those silly games. I want someone who can be open and tell me whatever it is...if its how he feels or what he can't stand about me then I want to know directly so we can work on it and make our relationship better.

Don Chi says:

Communication is the key to any relationship - intimate or otherwise. Adenix is a carpenter.

Mona says:

Nixie...you are right o, I almost forgot about communication....openness is so important I am not somebody's nurse to start finding out everything that goes on with them, if you don't bloody say how am I to know. Thank you so much for stopping by :o)

Anthony Arojojoye says:

I hate lies with a passion. I like it when people are bold enough to say what they fell and not what should be said. I could go berzerk if I found out I was being lied to.There's nothing like the simple truth. No matter how irky it sounds, truth na truth.

Don Chi says:

I have picked up on quite a lot and here's my two cents (you can keep the change) ;) :Disrespect pretty much sums up everything because lies, dishonesty etc are all forms of disrespect (although some would say there is the lie to protect you from getting hurt which is sometimes true but really unnecessary because the choice to be in that relationship situation DEMANDS total honesty), however, it needs to be taken into account that two people are responsible for disrespect in every situation - the "disrespector" and the "disrespectee." Disrespect cannot exist where it is not given a lease on life. If you have not presented the disrespector the go ahead (often unknowingly) to disrespect you, he/she will not. Disrespect is usually the parent that begats the fool factor.

Don Chi says:

I got some spare change still :D :On the mommy factor, it is a valid point, however, Mona The Moderator put it in perspective. A man's relationship with his mother is sacred and there's no changing that, so you will never compare. You create your own lane and drive down that path. By saying you will never compare, that does not make you less relevant nor less loved, it just means there is a different demographic as to how he loves you and how he loves her. She has it with all her children but the mom-son pairing is like whoa! So, to adopt this approach, you need to see how he treats people in general: waiters, flight attendants, drivers, cooks, cleaners etc Just people in general, especially those he has authority over or those that might be less privileged. The way he treats such people paints a picture of his general attitude and demeanor. Eventually, you will be treated the same way. Good or bad. And women, this goes for you too... The pendulum does swing both ways.In a non related quip, the thing I can't stand in relationships is back talk when they are over. If all you have to say is evil, then you are just as guilty/wrong as the other person for living a lie that long.

Mona says:

Well done man you deserve a hug! :o)

Liquidlifehacker says:

I would never expect a man to compete with the love of his mother to the love of a wife. Of course my earlier comments were towards the possiblity of marriage with a man since any relationship of dating can lead to marriage. The fact is though, once a man joins in marriage with a woman he is to (as said in Matthew 19:4-6) leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.In my past experience, for whatever it's worth, the way the guy treats his mother is very important. Remember it's the first woman he has loved and alot of the things both good and bad that come out of that relationship are embedded to flow into the rest of his relationships with other women in his life.

Leegays says:

Wow.. very nice Mona..I cant but agree with DonChi.What tops is all is DISRESPECT.They say respect begets respect, if you disrespect me as a person, then forget it, you'll never get that respect from me.For someone to respect you, before he tells u the tiniest lie, he would think twice, before he looks at the next gurl thinking of his next *stupid* moves, he'll think twice. Thats because he places u in high esteem, so no matter what he's gonna do, he has to think of you first and thats cos he respects u as a person and thats where other factors come in, consideration, faithfulness, honesty, bla and what have u.I hope I'm making a point sha..:)

Onada says:

Most people have pretty much captured what i cant stand i.e. lies, lack of respect, No relationship with God etc one more thing i cant stand is guys who hide things. You know how some men will have like 10 houses or businesses but their wives never know? (keeping infidelity out of this cos that involves lies at some point) Some people would say if its never mentioned and the guy is not asked its not a lie..........but once you find out its kinda like "am i really a part of this guys life when there is all this stuff going on with him that i dont know about." I dont have to know everything but i sure as well would like to be kept in the loop!

LondonBuki says:

I agree with most of the points above...Lack of Respect stands out though:1. Being treated like one is inadequate like maybe I am not good enough for the guy. 2. Totally disregarding my opinion about anything.3. As for respect having nothing to do with a guy cheating (which I've heard too many times)... Guys are from a different planet so me I don't get.Also... guys that hide stuff as Onada said above! Why O Why? You can only imagine what it is they are hiding and that is scary oh!

Too Me to Blog says:

Smothering, mummying, trying to turn me into her ex-boyfriend (or her father), playing those Unnecessary how-much-do-you-love-me games and not being 'real' with me (which isn't the same thing as lying...not that i can stand lying).

Laspapi says:

Moderator Mona ;Dmaybe you should take cheating as a topic on its own.

In my head and around me says:

I would have to say that I cannot be with someone who does not treat others as he wants to be treated. You need to give as good as you want to get and that includes generosity (especially of resources such as time and self- money and gifts flung at me do not suffice), consideration, love, respect, truthfulness… the whole package. Do not expect from me what you can not give!! If you do, the whole thing falls to bits. And this also means that if you treat me like a queen but treat others around you (whether cook, clerk or guard) like dirt, you are so out the window. So : just give as good as you want to get.

Adaure says:

ALL of the above including all of Don Chi's points. Another point to sum everything so far is when you stop trusting...their genuinety, their actions, words, etc.That's the time to say 'Houston We've Got a Problem'In addition to that I would have to say LOVE is the 'fool factor' that keeps us blinded from the reality and the picture that everyone else can see. In the rare case that we do see it we try to hide it from scrutiny or avoid the questions like'are you blind?' and basically pretend everything is 'bonz' all good and gravy. LOVE is also the fool factor that conquers all the above vices and shortcomings, that begets resiliance and longevity. Good example would be looking back to some of our parents (ya'll know some of them are a very bad example but they still forge on) LOVE makes us do stupid things called Tolerate, Forgive and worst of all Forget. LOVE is definitely the fool factor we should all avoid don't you think. But I am told it is better to love than not love at all. (dat one na 5 kobo.. abeg find me my 3 kobo change...lol...btw Mona good call on the forum)

Monef says:

I definitely agree with all the comments above. I would have to say that as every relationship is different, so every trangression will be viewed in a different light, I would have to put the whole picture in context. I will accept certain things from one person that I will not from another depending on what his history is and whether he is prepared to work on the relationship going forward. The thing that becomes a dealbreaker for me is being taken for granted. The assumption that as a woman I will put up with bs because you are a catch is a big no no. Once we get to that place, I understand that there is no coming back.

Naijabloke says:

When it comes to life in general,nobody is perfect,so when 2 individuals decide to go into a relationship,the only thing I think they have to really work on is to try and understand themselves.I believe if both partners understand themselves they won't be conflict in the relationship.A lot of people already talked about respect,trust,lies,dishonesty,communication etc are very big issues that actually break relationships up,but I still believe if a relationship is based on understanding each other,all the other above mentioned issues will fall into place.One of my friend's dad turned 80 in march and his kids had a party to celebrate that and their parent's 50 yrs marriage anniversary.Coincidentally the friend's dad was my dad's principal and games director in high school,so he knows my dad personally as well.I sat down with him one time and just asked him outta curiosity what kept and still keeps him and his wife going and he said both of them understood each other,have patience with each other,also they stay positive even when things aint looking to good and support each other in any kind of situation although u might not really agree with what the other person did or is doing but they always deal with that in the confines of their rooms alone and not with people.

Mona says:

Well said guys, well said Monef but that requires the ultimate patience, in actual sense being able to nurture and carry the person on even with all the flaws? So whether it is something you can stand or not, just because you understand them and how they are you will allow it? According to Adenix, communication is key if they can not voice out what the problem is how can you understand? Don't you think communication beats understanding because without that there is no way you can comprehend what is going on with them. It is all about compromise as well but not fully is what I'll say. Please comment...cheers

Nneka's world says:

Mine would be pretence and obvious lies.GIve me some credit for having a brain, tell a lie that would stimulate it and not deaden it.

Everchange says:

1. I can't handle liars and dishonest ppl. especially the type who hardly engages in introspection, so he can't even tell when he's lying or not! 2) Immaturity. I cannot be with a guy who still thinks the relationship is all about his emotional needs and not mine...hence I'm there for him when he needs me but when I need him, he only has two words to say. 3)A self-absorbed person will turn me off. Especially the kind who thinks so little of himself, and has convinced himself he doesn't deserve me (I've gotten this in the past), he wouldn't give me what I need. He's not there for me, he thinks I'm "perfect" and don't need the kind of care he's happy to take from me, he constantly makes promises he can't keep (MAJOR TURN-OFF) 4) Disrespect and talking down to me. I couldn't be with someone who makes cutting/biting comments at me, and makes fun of me and taunts me. 5) Disrespect towards women. There's just something about a guy who insults women in a way that specifically targets her gender...I can't be with someone like that.

Culturalmiscellany says:

To me the most important thing is self reflection. Its all very well saying you believe in God but are you able to reflect on your actions and belief and know when you are making mistakes or are you going to rely on me to tell you or worse so live in a bubble of 'i'm amazing' isolation. To me self reflection allows a person to evaluate why they are doing what they are doing. Have you just got yelled at me because you did something wrong or are you always going to say that I'm just being critical. Self reflection allows spritual and mental growth. I want a man who is mature enough to realise that and not let life act on him but take it by the scruff of its neck and really live it!

LondonBuki says:

Communication... How could I have not mentioned that? That has been a major problem for me... And I have been the guilty party. You have a problem, you don't communicate it... it starts eating you up inside and then one day you explode and say things you shouldn't cos you have over analysed and assumed without communicating...

Uzo says:

It definitely has to be dishonesty. I figure we should be able to talk and deal with pretty much everything. The moment a lie is discovered, you have a trust issue, then communication issues and voila - the end of the relationship. Seems like such a little thing but its so hard to find.

Taureanminx says:

Okay people have mentioned really great points..communication, respect, attitude to others but lets go on to the small stuff that seem insignificant. 1) I can't stand a dirty guy, one that looks unkempt or is surrounded by filth and strange smells (ah smokers included). It just doesn't go down well...he needs to be well groomed…(this should go both ways really).2) Eating habits, smacking, slurping, spitting, belching uncontrollably especially at the point when I don't really know you is a problem. 3) Being touchy feely…okay maybe I'll change one day when i meet someone I’m so in lust with, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable if he’s more emotionally expressive than I am (which is not a lot apart from a good cry here or there)....i'm weird like that. We can hold hands, stroke blah blah but once in a while is good for me.

Life as a Nigerian Musical-Chemist says:

Hmm...This is a brilliant topic...go mona! go mona! ; )okay seriously....As much as I agree that a close relationship with Baba Jesus is paramount, lets not forget the question...."What will you not take?". I'm sure there are a number of Christian boys out there who do things I would really not tolerate....by the way, i'm luvin the previous answers(taureanminx)... cause some things you can't take are not necessarily "deep" but basic things.....like smelling decent. lol.Case study no 1: You discover during your relationship that your partner has a penchant for "cousin greg" , "brother tunde" or "my neigbours' daughters' cousin" to come stay over at his house for months on end.......Nah nah nah! can't be dealing with that! lol. Yeah great, he loves people....but I soooo love my space. and i'm not a big fan of 'parapo'. I guess at the end of the day, as many people have mentioned, everyone has their different quirks and dislikes.

ObifromSouthLondon says:

I can't agree with Biodun on the "God" thing. The love of God guarantees nothing. We are only human and prone to making mistakes. I digress.To be honest with you in a relationship I enjoy a bit of negative flux or in easier lingo "messing wit my ambience". As long as it's not malicious (oxymoronic statement or what?). Sometimes you crave a good fight. There you have it, my perfect imperfections.

Mari says:

I wish I had more to add but everyone has pretty much said all there is to be said. Don Chi's comment, "disrespect pretty much sums up everthing..." is on point. Respect is love.

Mona says:

@ Obi - sometimes that can be seen as playing games o. I guess it gives people a thrill etc. but too much of that is just silly...in fact I'm not into the whole games/signs thing. After a few experiences, I learnt I wasn't really gaining anything with signs and/or games probably just losing out all the same. I also believe a relationship with God and the fear of God is paramount, yes we are not perfect but at least with the fear of God instilled in us, we know we have an ultimate being above us all and know we can't play God like some guys who decide they are the "masters and commanders" of their wives/spouses. Many of them don't know God hence them thinking they have dominion over the other person...so I think the fear of God is important then we can now analyse our imperfections et cetera.

@ Our dear singing-chemist - you have a very good point there, yea I know some people with certain backgrounds that entertain all that "brother Gbolahan's son will be staying with us for 3 months because he has no job 9 months after completing NYSC and during that time aunty Yemisi will turn up at the door step because she is fighting with her so-called husband who never proposed to her but they live together, at the same time you (my husband) are guardian for your nephew Tokunbo, who is a right nuisance, your baby sister, Desola in secondary school as well as your God-daugher, Esohe"...and I, the wife am supposed to do the whole OPEN ARMS ORPHANAGE to everyone? I sooo cherish my space too and as much as I try everyday to be able to accommodate these things more (cos its a really nice/generous thing to do), I have to draw the line...so all in all I don't think I can deal with that whole "face me I face you" household behaviour where if there is a quarrel or a tiff between husband and wife, the whole world knows!

Iynie said:

My oyinbo guy friend once told me that the difference between his relationships pre becoming close to God and post becoming close to God, was that pre: he lacked the fear of God and post he didn't. The fear of God, and ultimately being accountable to Him is about the only thing that can make a partner not cheat, be dis-respectful or be dishonest. At the end of the day everyone is human and your love/like for the other person can only take you so far, you'll have times when being honest/respectful gets hard. Being close to God and getting that foundation/support, is the only thing that should matter ultimately. :o)

Christabelle says:

lies, i just cant stand lies, that means I cant stand a dishonest person,I also hate busybodies, hm, pple who cant just mind their biz,ha!... and a real christian, now thats my guy.

Kunle says:

Somewhere along the line, I have seen or rather know of guys/girls who sit and say all these things listed here but the minute they are so into someone, they shove every I-cant-take-this or I-wont-take-that in a relationship, under the rug.So theorectically, we all want/hope we get a person with all these qualities but in cases where we are dating someone who does not have the fear of God, disrepects you and there is little or no communication but we oh so love the person, what can be the worst thing they'll do to make you leave them or for people who have been in a similar situation, what was the straw that broke the camel's back?

Erraticenigma says:

I agree with the dishonesty, God-factor, respect, communication... but another factor for me is mutuality. I can't be with someone who doesn't want the same for the relationship that i do, i can't be in a relationship where it's clear that i'm the one propelling the relationship forward, i can't be in a situation where its obvious that i care more about him and "us". I know two people can't care about the same thing the same way but it can get pretty close and you can tell when theres a difference between the level of emotions each partner displays. For me, if he doesn't care as much as i do, if he doesn't want to see us succeed as much as i do, then the relationship is already doomed. What happens when i get discouraged? Who will motivate me if not him? And also I can't tolerate a partner that is still hung up on someone else, it never works and never will.

Klx says:

In my humble opinion, all the communication, respect, God-fearing etc... are all things that come with time. What was it about this person got you into the relationship in the first place if it wasn't for these things? Because it will be pretty hard to get out, once you are in there, and realising that you are not getting the respectful, communicating, God-fearing person you so desired. I mean let's be real here, those are pretty fundamental things, that you should be looking out for even before entering the relationship, not suddenly demanding once you are in it already. So something else must have blinded you... Think that should be the next topic... what are you a sucker for?I think things like communication, respect etc... stem from the individual's ability to be honest with themselves. I can communcate all I want, but if I'm not being honest with myself, my communications are all a waste of time.And on a side note, whilst I do think that being God-fearing is great, but we can't assume that it comes with a "sin-free guarantee". It does not even minimise risk, unless the person is honest with themselves and God is within them.What I really cannot stand is jealousy and the inability to let things that have been resolved, go. We've discussed it, it's done, forget about it!

Remi says:

I agree with Kunle. All looks good on paper but when it comes down to it, humans always seem to compromise...

Mola says:

Relationship questions are always open-ended... Too much talk... Girls love to talk about these things. Its crazy (Aramide look @ what u have started)... Half the commenters are females, that shit always amazes me... As long as there is co-operation, then stay in the relationship... However, if your having unbearable challenges with your partner... Call that shit quits... Abundance is the name of the game... Too many girls turning 18 everyday and vice-versa...I've seen mad girls and boys go through mad challenges and still hang on to make things work out... Im not talking petty challenges like white lies or struggling together with no money... Im talking serious challenges (No I am not giving you any examples)However, it gets hard when you have spent years and invested some serious time in the relationship...It is almost unbearable for many people to just drop it all and walk away (The most logical thing to do at this point)... It sucks to be in that situation...

Gbemi's piece says:

Staying in a violent relationship would be it for me. That's absolutely taking the weewee. I can't do it. I am surprised no one mentioned this yet.

Everchange says:

@ mola, I'm not getting what's suprising about half of the commenters being female...you could as well say half the commenters are male. I think you're generalising about women (saying they talk about what they want in a relationship, and men don't?).

Aba Boy says:

I keep an open mind about relationships, and more importantly understand that we are all human. So I don’t really have aspects of life that I can’t tolerate in a relationship, unless of course it’s quite repetitive. The normal thing will be dishonesty. There is no basis for a relationship if dishonesty is a frequent theme. But for me a lack of respect (and that covers a whole load of merits and woes) – both ways/folks – is what I cant readily put up with. Apart from that I am well equipped to deal with any form of isolated deviation. We are all human in spite of everything.

Olowo says:

@Gbemi, I think the reason no one has mentioned it is because they automatically assume they will not venture into such a realtionship.

Codec says:

totally with laspapi having been in that situation myself. there are lots of other numerous issues but banging another male is the number 1 thing i can't take. banging a female u ask? i'm sure we can work things out ;)

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Hi Mona,Hope you see this. i love your style, its really ingenious. What can I say. I have moved site to www.dipotepede.com .Here you will get more thought-provoking words...Thanx for visiting

E to the F says:

A lot of valid points up there. I would have to say that one of the thing that irks me the most in a relationship is a guy that keeps referring back to his past relationships. Oh, "I did this with Ngozi", "Titi and I used to go here". As in, why would you want to fuel jealous thoughts in your girl by making all these comments? If what has pasted has pasted, why bring Ngozi and Seun into our relationship? Also, I am wary of guys that are still very much in touch with their ex's, if the ex-girl needs help with fixing her kitchen table, I'm sure there is another guy-friend that she can ask. And the excuse that oh no, she has a boyfriend now, nothing can happen. Yeah right, we've all heard about cheating, haven't we? Having a new boyfriend does not stop some people.

Mola says:

@Gbemi I meant more than half (3/4) of the commenters are female... You know Im right on the generalising, however what I am saying is that girls always love to talk about relationship issues...

Spicy Miguel says:

A woman that doesn't have a relationship with God. Now lets be clear... i don't mean the sunday, sunday babe that after church goes back to her ways... i mean a woman that is active in church and is sparked for the Lord.I believe when you find a partner that is truly grounded in the word and in God, every other thing will fall in place. Note: Hey Mona thanks for visiting my blog. I took a break due to the demands of B-school but 1st years over so i'll be cranking up new materials..so do drop by from time to time...the materials i have in store will leave you reeling in pain from laughter!!!

Bella Naija says:

I've missed a lot.....well....my own philosophy involves RESPECT....some people talked about it before....RESPECT of GodRESPECT of himselfRESPECT me.....then I'm happy!If a guy has this, there will be no talk of him beating u, cheating on u and all that....At the same time, the chick has to respect herself....

Channel says:

Dishonesty, I went throught five years of lies with the beast. I never want to be bothered with this type of man again. I can not take physical abuse either. This is a major problem in realationships worldwide.

Dipo Tepede says:

Hi ladies in the house,I believe you should read the article titled ALL MEN ARE BAD on www.dipotepede.comIt will surely put your minds to rest.

Don Chi says:

@Thanx Obi from South. Ya'll know one thing about GOD; from a human perspective? HE is all forgiving! If you repent, HE will forgive you. Ya'll know about that right? Man abuses that clause. And I mean humans when I say "Man" not men.@Kunle I'm not liking very much now because your commentary makes everybody else look like airheads! Adenix sorry but here's the new carpenter! However, notice my 'fool factor' being worked another way? ;)@Klx is in Kunle territory. Everyone else that has posted, we are all smart but I think we got angry because the topic makes you remember bad times and you just want to vent. these two took their time, analyzed our stuff then preached. Chuuch! But ya'll cheated by waiting so long tho. :p@Aba boy? When you see a name like that, automatically you thing Igbo trader. And I must say you are trading in common sense. Teach brother! Spot on.@Dipo Tepede for advertiser of the year.@E to the F, personal experience here. I am tight friends with all my exes. No hanky panky going on there. Highly unlikely, close to unbelievable but it is true, hence proving the possibility. My thing is, if I dated you, there must have been something I saw in you, so why can't we be friends? Intimacy might have been weird, hence the break up. So I'm not knocking what you said cuz it is valid, however, I am here to stand up for those (if there are any else) who really do have regular, non-intimate relationships with their exes. You ain't mad tight with any of yours?@Everybody. I am probably the most guilty of everyone here but it must be said. yes it is a forum but all the extra is like whoa! What won't you take? Dishonesty. Pere! Leave it at that but here we all are venting. Relationships can never be perfect for the simple fact that nothing is perfect. You work @ them for life. SO compromise and understanding have to be in synch. If you have one without the other, keep moving. You choose to compromise for the sake of the relationship but don't understand why you should? Bounce! You understand where the other person is coming from but you can't compromise? Bounce! You understand where the person is coming from and you can compromise? Love! We all need hugs. My arms are wide open :)

Suzy Peaches says:

Olowo's response to Gbemi's comment about domestic violence has prompted this contribution. As with all relationships you never really know what to expect and we all go in with our best foot hoping it all works out. That best can sometimes end up being a violent one. Yet how were you to know that the seemingly responsible, tall, dark and handsome new cherpser was not God’s answer to our incessant prayers for companionship? How were we to know that the soft hands that brushed against our cheek before we kissed would come back and taunt us? How?The problem with Olowo’s statements is that in assuming its tautology we consequently imply the truth of all the other injustices in relationships (such as disrespect, lying, cheating, stealing etc). Why would anyone stay in such a relationship and even more pertinently get into one with such characters. Are we therefore trying to insinuate that one sin is graver than the other? In God’s eyes sin is sin. As a society we seem to have given in too quickly to the doctrine that men are from Mars and women from Venus and so are wired differently thus excusing men’s frivolities. They say things like “men can only think with one head at a time and the presence of two gets them discombobulated”. My simple answer to this is that God put the big one at the top of the body to control the actions of the not so big one further down (excuse the pun). Word of advise if you used the former more often than the latter there would be no need to lie, steal and all the other offences the ladies have rightly pointed out.Without vacillating too much from the underlying theme –what I would like to know is why as girlfriends/wives we are fast to point fingers of accusation at the “other woman” and not our offending partners – why do we forget our men orchestrated the nasty affair and should be held solely responsible after all it is with us their loyalties lay. Why do we go round calling each other names and not standing united against the perpetrator? Is anyone with me on this one – lets discuss!

Don Chi says:

@Suzy, withchu on women challenging the other woman. That's a WHAT THA BLOG? moment right there. She owes you nothing nor has no loyalties to you. However, on the Mars/Venus thing, we really were built different. We are the refined animals on earth but are still touted as animals. Muphasa is king of the jungle. Monogamy means jack to him. And that is the raw essence of animality (that a word)! Man evolved over the years but maybe not all the way. Even if he did choose what to surpress or not. Monogamy is unnatural but so are a whole lot of other things (sadly can't think of one now) that evolution has remixed to suit societal lifestyle. I am personally handing out the rope to hang me with but I stand by this argument ho ha...

Tutsy says:

Mehn when it come to drawing the line, i have a long-ass list....lol....but i do have to say what really sets my blood pressure rising is lies...i can't stand a liar, 'cuz it i feel like i am being taken advantage of. I have no qualms stabbing a guy to death for lying to me...lol (just kiddin') but on the real though, i can't take lies, it insults my intelligence.Can't stand an arrogant asshole, can't stand a guy that smokes, drinks or an underachiever...(u gotta be motivated mehn). ..thats all i can think of right now, but i will be back as soon as i can think of more....lol. I need to take a few seconds out to vent out my frustrations ....u shouldn't have got me started...lol

Dimples says:

Wow there are some deep stuves doing down here o...i'm seriously learning and it's amazing how everybody in one way or another feels the same way...Highly entertaining.

Suzy Peaches says:

No Chi Chi you did not just go there! To say Monogamy is unnatural is simply a glib response to a complex question.Unnatural my foot - Why else did God create Eve for Adam and not Sally and Susan. Polygamy, Infidelity and the likes are all fruits of Indiscipline. A known fact that can not be explained away with words like "animality".What happened to good old contentment!

Olawunmi says:

Go Mona!!!

Don Chi says:

Well Suzy, I did go there, and it appears I forgot something so I do have to go back. I can just hear the knives being sharpened but it is what it is. I hate getting into these kinda deep convos cuz they always take on a new life and we never agree but it is what it is. Logic and Spirit do not go hand in hand, however, human beings decide on which to ride with when it is beneficial to them and you know I'm right. Natural means uncultivated. So that is to say something is in it's raw form. Man is cultivated. GOD gave man free will and dominion over all things. That way, the decision of monogamy is "man-made" but GOD-approved. However, that does not make it natural. We are higher animals put at the top of the pecking order, hence our matrix, however, those animals left in their raw essence are uncultivated. Man has created his world through processing the forces of nature. So these things are the generated offspring of nature but are not natural e.g. an everyday car made out of raw materials, every last bit, but not natural. Am I making sense or you just refuse to even give me an audience? So I stand by my theory that monogamy is unnatural. And your Sally and Susan argument is on sexuality not monogamy. Lesbians and Gay men get mad just like straight folk over infidelity, so that just voids that argument right there, no? I agree on the indiscipline factor because as human beings who have chosen to live in the man-made society, you should abide by the rules laid down (of which monogamy is one of the main ones) but the animal within still exists. Take a retired General who has been giving orders for years, he will find it hard to stop being in command. Why? Because due to the nature of what he has known, it is only natural for him to act that way. That sounds like a contradiction of my theory, right? I know because man is born out of a male/female pairing, so how does he know about infidelity? Well, being born of humans, the beast exists within but society acts to supress it. Then, going by The Bible, I don't know if anyone has thought about it and chosen to ignore or has just never looked at it that way. The Adam and Eve story, plus that of Noah, smacks of what we have come to know as incest. Adam & Eve's children would have had to sleep with each other and maybe even Adam with his daughters. Holier than thou folk should not crucify me without honestly pondering on this. Or did GOD continue creating people and planting them on Earth? Think about it. Then after destroying the world with floods, it was up to Noah and his family. His sons were married and so, his grandchildren would have had to inter-marry/reproduce, no? So my point is, relationship dynamics have been rather odd for the longest, so who is really in the know what is cosher or not? Don't throw The Good Book out now because most are fast to jump on it as their guide. Hence my mention of Logic & Spirit. How will you choose to ride now? And before the Atheist chants start doing the rounds, "I believe in GOD ALL MIGHTY, maker of Heaven and Earth..." I just do not agree with religion. Any at all. They are man-made entities that have been polluted by man, just like everything else he touches! Ironically however, I am all for monogamy. One woman is a handful on her own before talking on adding a second. It's not worth the temporary pleasure enjoyed but the flesh is weak, what can I say? And on contentment, man is on a "discovery" overdose. The quest for MORE, in every aspect of life, is never ending. I'm exhausted yo...

Orikinla Osinachi says:

I don't like posing and posturing in impressionism.It is very common among Nigerians everywhere. And I cannot go on with such impressionism in a relationship. God bless.

Mari says:

WOW (after reading Don Chi's last response) *popcorn in hand* Mona see how your topic has been derailed. Its all good sha.May be you should closed the forum here coz everyone seems to have given their input ON the original topic.

Monef says:

@Don Chi - Let's be real, higher infidelity rates by men are brought about not because you are wired differently but because you are weaker and infinitely more selfich. Don't think for a second that women don't feel temptation..we just choose not to constantly give in to it.

Amy Papaya says:

'Always listen and adhere to the words of a man with the LIMP.'

From someone with ample experience where relationships are concerned, although the hard way, i learnt that a 'Relationship is a journey, marely enjoyable if both parties have a predelection for one thing, and one thing only, i.e. God.'

Relationships require compromising and sacrificing, but i loathe POLYGAMY, CHEATING, LIEING & VIOLENCE.All of which are compulsary exceptions, especially when they occur contemporaneously. Any male/female characterised with the above, needs to go the 'HIGH WAY.'

Violence, I cant comprehend, and feel lurid and nettled when such is condoned

For those who don't mind POLYGAMY, or their boyfriends/girlfriends having multiple partners so long as they are the so called NUMBER ONE (1).Ask yourselves

'Do I really want to share my partner?'

It's almost a legal way to approve CHEATING, and i detest the idea. Having more than one spouse goes against all biblical dharma and probably societal. Intimacy can only be acheived with two persons, once a third or even a fourth party is introduced, the cord breaks. It is only those things known only to two individuals which keep them together.

'....for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united with his wife (NOT WIVES) and the two shall become one flesh.

If God endorsed polygamy, he'd have adorned the garden of Eden with a bevy of beauties frolicking around naked and told Adam that he had Carte Blanche to do as it pleased him. We all know, that's not quite what how it happened.

Further more, putting aside religious veiws, even from a HEATHEN's perspective, the heart ache and mental trauma inevitably ensued with being a wife/husband/boyfriend/grilfriend inducted into such a household is better imagined. I lie?

(Dearest Don chi chi, monogamy unnatural? That's most certainly a JOKE! I must accede to SUZY PEACHES intuitive insight in accordance to monogamy and contentment.

With repect to LIEING AND CHEATING,

If you lie, you cheat. That's the rule of life.If you accept one lie, you get another one, and if you accept that one, you'll keep getting them.If he/she cheats once and you allow it. They'll cheat again and again. That's another rule of life

Anything you permit will increase whether it's lateness or infidelity.

In a nutshell: cheating , lieing, and polygamy = DISRESPECT= NO LOVE

TELL ME, WHAT THEN IS THE IS THE ESSENCE?

Anonymous says:

Always keep a stable of 5 members until you get married... All this relationship talk is cool, but there will always be ups and downs...If your main girl or any girl leaves, you have 4 other chiks in the stable to fall back on...I urge girls to do the same (Girls usually practice this anyway)....Nice Topic Mona....

Dimples says:

Ok everyone lets breathe in and out....Pastor Chi-chi chill out men...you are really getting me into some deep thoughts here..and that's not good.Mona see what you have done now....please what was the main point of discussion again???

Suzy Peaches says:

Ok Chi Chi, I give up! It is now clear that you refuse to be enlightened. This whole infidelity thing is a matter of conviction - I will therefore not argue with you but rather tighten that rope you graciously handed to me a couple of days ago. Your definition of natural prompted me to seek out a more suitable definition of the word. Here is one I like “Natural”(adjective) is defined as being "Devoid of any hypocrisy or pretense". You of all people should know that infidelity is unacceptable behaviour and will eventually eat at the foundations upon which relationships are built.Yet you continue to stand partisan to this insouciant doctrine rather than seek ways of reconciliation.What I find most amusing is the amount of time, effort and money Men put into cheating - all of which they may never regain. Wouldn’t it be more worthwhile investing in someone you actually cared about or for?Point of correction Sally and Susan were used to symbolise variety and choice not sexuality.And lastly, seeing as you don’t want a spiritual response but rather a logical one - try treating all the women you meet as you would your mother or you sister or better still how you would like them to be treated. Enough Said.P.S: Are you Single? (Lol)

Undressed*Polaroid says:

Mehn, theres just way too much to read here, good on you mona!!anyhew, my little opinion (and excuse me if i digress) - lack of respect or consideration is taking the piss. Lying and cheating, all that deceit. I cant see how anyone can in their right minds claim to like you and then cheat on you....and no its not a guy thing, some people just have no damn self control.Taking the piss is also leading people on, its like u have a boyfriend but ur willingly letting other guys block you...guess that comes under disrespect....Oh my cup runneth over, I have so much with all this taking the piss issue. I think I'll end on the God thing, at the end of the day, everyone's trying to be straight and its hard work - but a man who has no sense to acknowledge God or even try to live right hard as it is, then ur on ur own.some other random thing that baffles me, just thot I'd share: the question of revenge -how about forgive and FORGET or does everyone deserve a piece of their own cake?

Mona says:

THANK YOU PEOPLE! I CAN SEE WE HAVE REALLY DIGRESSED HERE! And I don't agree with Pastor Chichi o...he is also single yep!

I have to say when the idea of initiating a forum came to mind, I thought it would be a good thing in terms of it being interactive, everyone having a say and us being able to read other people's views and read novel opinions. I am pleased to say, the forum has been all these but one thing I didn't anticipate was for it to be a type of learning curve which it has been. As a result, I am quite pleased because I have learnt a lot of things and am happy that a variety of people with different ages, backgrounds, different experiences and years of experiences have been able to participate and comment.

Everything everyone has said has contributed to my way of thinking in one way or the other and I appreciate it. I hope it has been the same for the rest of you and you were able to take something away from it? I therefore thank all of you for participating and look forward to the next forum. I will be putting my next article/topic up soon. Peace and Blessings, Mona.